![]() That’s the biggest surprise of all.Dating is hard. And that choice has been far easier than I would have thought possible. I am confident because I am choosing to have trust in both of us. I am not confident because I can suddenly predict the future. I can’t say for sure that there won’t be times when my anxiety kicks in or I feel a bit triggered, but I am extremely confident that this time I will make it down the aisle. John and I are getting married next August, which means I have 10 whole months of engagement in front of me. One of my other favorite post-abandonment jokes was that I was willing to get engaged again but it had to be a short engagement so there wouldn’t be any time for my fiancé to change his mind. Me, a person who has dreamed about getting married her entire life. As much as my anxiety likes to spend time in the “what if,” I prefer to focus on “what’s actually happening.” And what’s actually happening is that I found an incredible person who wants to marry me. But there is also a chance aliens will invade the Earth before we have any desire to get divorced. Is there a chance John and I don’t make it until death do us part? Sure. I want to love fully and celebrate hard and not worry about what “might” happen. ![]() I realized all I can do is decide how I want to show up in the world and hope for the best.Īnd so, at some point in the last two years, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be someone who lives to protect herself. While that lack of control over my own life was destabilizing and awful, it forced me to reckon with how little control we have in general. I didn’t fundamentally change and become “unlovable.” I was simply collateral damage in someone else’s journey. Then my ex fell out of love with me only a few months after declaring his intention to spend our lives together. I believed that if I was thoughtful and rational about my decisions and expectations, I could avoid a bad outcome. I now know that nothing in life is a guarantee, so you might as well take the leap.īefore my broken engagement, I think I lived in fear of getting something wrong and/or looking like a fool. But instead of that impact being a fear of getting attached again, it changed me into someone who is willing to take risks. What happened to me had a permanent impact. Instead, I think my mind and my body have made the decision to not let my past dictate my future, which is different than ignoring or forgetting my past completely. Did I somehow “get over” the trauma of my ex walking out on me with no warning and little explanation? Is it as though that part of my life never happened, and I get to be born anew as a virgin bride? I don’t think so. My reaction to this time in my life has made me wonder if I am fully healed from what happened before. I wonder when painful thoughts like “You should really hedge your bets here” and “This is going to be extra embarrassing if this one doesn’t work out too” are going to emerge.” But so far…all that has come up is a strong desire to stare at my ring all day. I keep waiting for doubt and fear to take over. I have had long discussions about wedding planning with friends and I have officially started making engagement content on my social media. In a surprising turn of events, none of that has been true! From the moment John proposed I have been filled with a rush of joy and excitement. I also thought that being engaged again would bring up my abandonment fears and I wouldn’t feel safe until I was actually married. I thought engagements and wedding planning were going to be permanently tainted for me. Of course, they would be thrilled if I found love again! But (not so) secretly, I worried. Each time I repeated this joke (and make a TikTok about it), people would assure me I was being silly. I figured they would all be skeptical and wait to see if I actually made it to the wedding before getting excited. One of my favorite jokes to make in the aftermath of my abandonment was that if I ever got engaged again no one in my life would care. But the experience hasn’t been what I expected at all. (Thank goodness for the multiple videos.) After my previous engagement ended in heartbreak, I thought getting engaged again would be complicated. I was completely shocked and fully lost myself in the moment, which is rather rare for someone with an anxiety disorder. My *fiancé* proposed to me on October 14th and, even though I knew it was imminent, I had NO idea he had planned to do it in front of my closest friends at a private room in one of our favorite restaurants. ![]() If you live anywhere in the Los Angeles area or follow me on social media, you probably know I got engaged because I’ve been screaming about it from the rooftops. ![]()
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